


Salt and Pepper

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Comedy, Humor, I wrote this at four am okay, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-23
Updated: 2016-07-23
Packaged: 2018-07-26 06:34:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,667
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7563967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Karkat tugged on Dave's hand and started to walk towards the jukebox. "I have an idea." Karkat smiled deviously and began to pull seven crumpled dollars out of his pocket. </p>
<p>"What are you going to play?" Dave inquired.</p>
<p>"Oh, only twenty-one plays of What's New Pussycat." </p>
<p>-</p>
<p>Based upon "The Salt and Pepper Diner," by John Mulaney and an animation by the same name.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Salt and Pepper

Karkat glanced up at the faded white sign."This is the place? The Salt and Pepper Diner?"

"You bet."

Dave took Karkat's hand and walked into the diner. Red, black, and silver flooded his vision as he glanced around. The ceiling sported multiple fans, all buzzing persistently, fighting against the summer heat. The floor was red tile that had been stepped on one too many times. The front section of the diner was filled with red and silver tables and booths, while the back had a silver counter with black stools. 

Only a couple people were inside. Two trolls sat in a booth, talking about computers and ghosts. A human sat at the counter, making poor puns and smiling to the blonde woman serving him pancakes. A seadweller was at a table, staring deeply into his coffee as what appeared to be his "friend" rambled on about miracles. 

Karkat shot a questioning glance towards Dave. "It doesn't look like much."

Dave flashed a smile. "Yeah... But this is the place Terezi told me about. She said something about the eggs being good, so we'll just have to trust her on this." 

Karkat absentmindedly nodded, his attention focused on something else. He looked at the back wall of the diner, and his eyes rested upon an old jukebox with a sign reading "Three plays for a dollar!" in horrible handwriting.

Karkat tugged on Dave's hand and started to walk towards the jukebox. "I have an idea." Karkat smiled deviously and began to pull seven crumpled dollars out of his pocket. 

"What are you going to play?" Dave inquired.

"Oh, only twenty-one plays of What's New Pussycat." 

Dave clamped a hand over his mouth to try and stifle his laughter. "Karkles," he choked out, "That is the most amazing thing you have ever said." He gazed at his boyfriend in wonder as he chose What's New Pussycat seven times. "Listen, I love you. And this was your idea. But can I make a suggestion?"

Karkat's hand fell from the jukebox, and he turned to face Dave. He was grinning from pointy ear to pointy ear. "What is it?" 

"Hear me out. What if you put in one, only one play of It's Not Unusual. And then just another metric fuck ton of What's New Pussycat."

"Dave. I have never loved you more in my life." Karkat turned back to the jukebox with glee, chose It's Not Unusual, and went right back to smashing in What's New Pussycat. "What now?"

"Now, we order, wait, and reap the rewards." Dave chuckled and led Karkat to the counter. The stools made screeching noises as they slid across the red floor, and the silver counter was a lot less silver up close. The sound of music filled the air as the first play of What's New Pussycat began. The boy that was also at the counter began tapping his feet, while the troll girl in the booth began humming along. The plan was in motion. 

A blonde woman dressed in a faded red uniform and a white apron sauntered over. She pulled out a notepad. "Do you know what you want?" 

Dave turned to Karkat. The troll boy nodded. "Yeah. We'll take two plates of eggs and toast and two mugs of coffee, please." The woman smiled and walked into the back with their orders. The first play of What's New Pussycat slowly faded out... And then turned right back on again.

Dave and Karkat snickered, and glanced around the diner. They heard a lone "This song is a bit longer than I thought," and nothing else. They kept looking around for the entire time it took them to get their breakfast. Dave and Karkat both picked at their eggs and sipped at their coffee as they heard the second play fade out... And turn right back on again. 

"Babe, I think people are on to us," Dave whispered. 

Karkat nodded furiously. "Keep your voice down, bulgefucker," he shout-whispered, "We don't want people to know we did it!" 

Dave nodded back and stifled a laugh as sounds of confusion rose from the diner. They finished off their food, and were left with coffee. Dave drank it slowly, staring smugly over the rim of the chipped mug as he saw the different faces in the diner. The boy at the counter with them seemed amused, but the troll over in the booth seemed to be getting frustrated. He sat his 3D glasses down and glared around to try and see who was responsible. 

The third play faded out... Karkat looked at Dave with a look of utter happiness, smugness, and pride... And the fourth play started. "Dave, this is amazing," Karkat whispered.

"Of course it is. Best fucking idea since sliced bread." Dave held up a piece of toast and Karkat chuckled, rolling his eyes. Everything went silent again except for the sound of knives and forks hitting plates, mugs being set down, frantic tapping on tables, and of course, What's New Pussycat. 

Nobody spoke until halfway through the song, when the troll girl at the booth said, in a hushed voice, "Woah. Somebody just played What's New Pussycat four times." Dave and Karkat put their hands over their mouths to stop from laughing. The girl spoke up again.

"Or at least, somebody played it twice, and it's just a really long song."

Karkat sent another glance Dave's way, smirking at him. Dave smirked right back, and they didn't dare say anything more as they went back to drinking coffee and watching the diner. 

The seadweller sitting at the table in the middle of the diner was staring into his cup, a look of both hatred and annoyance plastered on his face. His hand shook ever so slightly, making small ripples in his coffee. His breathing was heavy. 

What's New Pussycat slowly faded out for the fourth time. Everyone was nervous with anticipation except Dave and Karkat. 

And music rang through the diner:

"What's new pussycat! Whoa, whoa! What's new pussycat! Whoa, whoa!"

The seadweller shot up.

"GOD DAMMIT!" 

His fists hit the table, sending silverware clattering to the ground. His mug crashed to the ground as well, black coffee pooling at his feet. He slapped a ten dollar bill onto the table, and rushed towards the door. He exited as fast as he could, slamming the door shut. 

Dave and Karkat stared at each other in awe, hands clamped tight over their growing smiles. Their muffled laughing was covered up by how loud the music was and the sound of the blonde woman picking up the silverware.

"Karkat," Dave wheezed, "That was the best fucking thing I've ever seen."

"I know, I fucking know it was!" Karkat was clutching his coffee mug, lips drawn into a tight line to try and hide his giant smile. 

Things slowly settled down as the blonde woman cleaned up the coffee. By the time she was done, What's New Pussycat faded out again. Fists were clenched, and eyes darted around the room. What's New Pussycat started all over again, for the sixth time. 

The entire diner was numb. No words were spoken, no eye contact made except between Karkat and Dave. The gentle sounds of forks scraping plates had stopped. Nobody was eating, but nobody dared leave. Nobody entered, either. It was as if the diner itself was frozen, with only the music to tell that time was passing. What's New Pussycat took the place of hours and minutes. The jukebox was the clock. 

What's New Pussycat faded out for the sixth time, and started up for the seventh.

Dave and Karkat had both finished their coffees. They held hands as they stared silently at the patrons of the diner, looking at their shaking hands and bouncing feet. "This is better than a movie," Dave whispered. 

What's New Pussycat faded out for the seventh time... And It's Not Unusual began to play. 

A gigantic sigh of relief swept through the diner. The trolls at the booth were hesitant at first, but finally started talking again. The boy at the counter ordered another coffee. The blonde woman, who appeared to be the only staff member actually in the diner, smiled as things returned to normal. 

"Karkles, we need to make small talk. To seem less suspicious." Dave smiled a bit.

"Yeah, you're right. Okay bulgemuncher, what do you want to talk about?"

"Well, the eggs were really good."

"Of course they were, nookstain. You don't just give recommendations to people if the thing being recommended isn't good."

"You recommended troll Fifty First Dates to me." 

Karkat's eyes narrowed. "Fuck y- Wait, wait! It's about to end! Shh!" Dave and Karkat excitedly turned back to face the diner. It's Not Unusual faded out. It was silent for a moment, before words rang throughout the diner:

"What's new pussycat! Woah, woah! What's new pussycat! Woah, woah!"

Everyone lost their shit.

The troll girl at the booth screamed louder than a banshee. Her friend threw his glasses off the table in frustration. The boy at the counter slammed his fork into his pancakes, cracking the bottom of the plate. The blonde woman threw her notepad down onto the ground. The troll in the table in the middle of the diner only whispered, "Now you know what it's motherfucking like in my mind." before putting his head in his hands and crying. 

Dave and Karkat burst out laughing, not bothering to hide it. They wiped tears from their eyes. Dave clutched his sides he was laughing so hard, and Karkat put a hand on Dave's shoulder as he laughed his heart out. 

"Karkles," Dave said between laughing fits, "This is absolutely amazing."

"I fucking know," Karkat wheezed back. 

-

Karkat turned to Dave. "How many plays was it?" 

"Eleven. They made it through eleven plays before they unplugged the jukebox." 

Dave and Karkat walked hand in hand down the street, smiling.

"Dave, that is the best meal I've ever had in my life."

**Author's Note:**

> This was based off the hilarious "Salt and Pepper Diner," watch it here: http://bit.ly/2a39jIk - Also based off an animation by the same name, which you can watch here: http://bit.ly/29V8Cly


End file.
